When dating and experimenting with relationships, at some point, almost everyone is confronted with the question of “how far is too far” when it comes to physical intimacy–so what do we do when our bodies say “yes” but our mind and spirit say “no”?
Dun dun dunnn…
Setting The Stage For A Rational Discussion
Okay, before we start, this is not going to be a discussion that begins or ends with “anything goes, just no touching inside the bathing suit areas!”
In my experiences, understanding, and reacting to feelings of attraction in a healthy way, that honors God and who we are as individuals, is about more than simply designating “no fly” zones and then flying as close to those borders as possible–it is about knowing who we are and what we really want out of a relationship
And keep in mind that everyone makes mistakes when it comes to dating!
Everyone will have regrets, lessons learned, etc… we just need to stay focused on learning about who we are, what we want, as well as understand God’s desire for us to live holy, upright lives
Hormones… Raging, Logical Thinking… Impossible
Attractions can be incredibly powerful, there is no doubt about it
It is unmistakable when we start to fall for someone as our senses and thoughts become heightened, daydream endlessly, and we can talk endlessly with our friends about the smallest details of our warm, fuzzy, electrifying new love interest
The truth is, this powerful physical response to another human being is a natural part of how God made us, as he wanted us to be emotionally and physically attracted to our partner in ways that mirror our (ideal) relationship with him–total ecstasy and bliss in every way
However, when these feelings exist between people, their intensity can be so overwhelming they often blind us in ways like nothing else can–this can be incredibly distracting to say the least!
Emotions Shape Our Reality
There is probably nothing more emotionally and intellectually disrupting than the overwhelming chemistry that occurs when we are attracted to someone new–it isn’t like we set an alarm one day and decide to fall in love, it just happens
When these emotions burst in, we fly into outer space, losing all contact with reality because our emotions, thoughts, and bodies are overrun with the chemicals that get released when we meet someone and our brain says “yes!”
The result of this blissful existence is that we become focused on our partner, and we can be overwhelmed with happiness to the point where we lose sight of other things around us as we pour all of our time into the relationship
We might spend less time with friends, not go to the gym as much, skip doing homework, forget to pay bills, etc…
But, the biggest part of this equation that we often don’t realize how the other person has a big part in shaping our emotional and intellectual reality because of their importance in our hearts and minds–this amount of influence is a very delicate, treasured thing
Flying Higher Than A Pig In Space, But Traveling On What Course?
Regardless of who we meet or what the circumstances are, we have to keep in mind that more relationships fade than endure–inevitably, when our intense feelings of happiness and adoration falter and prove to be fleeting, this can be a devastating experience
Regardless of the reason for why these emotions fade (that is an entirely separate discussion!), their passing is often very painful
To save ourselves from unending heartbreak, the key is to make sure we pace ourselves, and not plunge ahead in directions that we do not think through all the way or by becoming too invested before someone has proven that they are trustworthy and that their intentions are pure
Things like this happen when people say “I love you” too soon, when they spend ridiculous amounts of money in the hope of winning someone, or become physically active in ways that they regret later on (ta-daaa!)
Oh Hi There, Didn’t See You!
Despite any social pressures, bubbling hormones, or misconstrued Nike commercials, there is no reason to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with, and even less reason to devalue yourself
God created relationships between men and women as models of the relationship he wants to have with us: close, intimate, and connected in mind, body, and spirit
So when we do not connect with someone on all of these levels, physical interactions are hollow and empty, to the point where we can regret holding someone’s hand just as much as if we had done other things
Most importantly, in order for us to have high standards for who we date, we have to understand just how much we mean to God, and just how far he was willing to go in order to see us come to salvation, not to mention we are instructed to keep our bodies holy!
1 Corinthians 6:18-20
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body
So when thinking about how far a physical relationship should go, imagine testing the edges of chastity if God was sitting in front of you!
“Oh, hey God… didn’t see you there, can you hand me my pants? Ah no, the other ones, thanks!”
The sobering thing is, God is always with us, watching what we do
So we shouldn’t determine how far our physical relationships go based on whether something feels good at the time, how we feel that we are in love so it is alright, we feel pressured, or whatever the reason, we should always keep in mind that we are instructed to be holy as a reflection of our gratitude for God’s friendship and sacrifice for us–remembering that God is watching everything!
This should be what motivates us to determine how far we should go, not our desire to push ourselves to the “bathing suit” danger zone without any guilt
If You Have To Ask How Far Is Too Far, You Probably Already Know
We are pretty smart people, and it doesn’t take a PHD in theology or philosophy to know when something has gone too far
The bottom line is that God loves us, he knows what is best, not the people around us or our hormones, and he gave us consciences, guidance, and the ability to say no to anything!
Y’know, I saw this after seeing the first ads (I’m always behind the times) for “Machine Gun Preacher”, which also asks the question of “How far is too far?”, albeit in a totally different context. Whenever I see the query, though, I’m reminded of the guys in Boondock Saints. While they’re hardly the best examples of theologians, philosophers, or even decent men, they do answer the question of “How far?” as well as I’ve ever seen. Namely “The question isn’t how far. The question is, are you willing to go as far as it takes?”
Of course, the implication is that if you aren’t willing to go all the way to the end of the road, then there’s no point in setting out on the journey. If your commitment is anything but 100%, then you’re in the wrong business.
This would, I think, apply to our romantic relationships. If you have to question how far you can or should go, then perhaps it’s best to realize that what you’re doing is a mistake as a matter of type, not degree.
Of course, this is the voice of hard-won experience talking here. The term ‘slippery slope’ was written for *exactly* the emotional, biochemical, rationalizing, nigh-insane mire that a man gets into when, as Rilo Kiley puts it, “I keep on talking trash, but I never say anything. And the talking leads to touching. And the touching leads to sex. And then there is no mystery left.” And that is indeed, as the song adds “Bad news.”
That said, for many people, the only way to learn it is to experience it. If I were still a virgin, I’d never believe that sex is dangerous, or ruinous. Nowadays, I can look back and honestly say that here isn’t a single bit of it that I’m proud of, or would keep for its own value given the choice–the only reason I have no regrets there is that, finally, I seem to have learned something. God be praised I wasn’t hit by a bus before I did, though.
Hi Bennett,
I have always been a person of extremes, living life according to the notion of:
“If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing!”
This translated into a lot of bad situations as my fluctuating inclinations spurned me in all sorts of directions, many of which I did not bother considering potential consequences since I was obviously the exception to the rule
Right?
*cough*
In particular, my relationship choices were a source of unending grief as I made a lot of mistakes, over and over, that ultimately taught me great lessons, but not ones that were essential for life or salvation
However, there were a lot things I learned from my mistakes that allowed me to relate to others in similar situations with sincere empathy
Even though I regret the time lost, and I don’t recommend a path of knowingly making mistakes to anyone, the things I learned allowed me to experience a side of life that I have found invaluable when witnessing to others
I still remain the all or nothing personality type, and I generally don’t have a middle ground–this is both good and bad!
Amy and I were celibate after our first few months of dating, and we really got good at pushing the envelope, and asking for forgiveness afterwards until we finally stopped and submitted to the spirit of chastity, not just its law
Once we got this down, we started really learning about why chastity was important, ie: we had to learn to fall in love first in a way that wasn’t distracted by a sexual relationship and all of our past baggage associated with them
God was amazing to heal us once we fully accepted his standard and not our own–I am still grateful for that one
Thanks God!
XD
Yeah, I’m much the same way–any pool worth swimming in, is worth diving into feet-first. Not stupidly, but you can’t serve two masters. Might as well go all-out.
That said, I don’t mean to advise people to ‘try sin’ and learn it the hard way. More that I’m not going to judge teenagers who don’t believe the stove is hot until their hand has been burned (several times). We’re dumb that way. Some of us won’t learn, but other times, as Chesterton said, there those who say to God, “Thy will be done,” and those to whom God says, “Thy will be done.”
I don’t regret it, but hoo boy… to borrow a tune from Sixteen Stone, “If I had it all again, I’d change it all.” (I dunno why I’m so lyrical lately)